Excerpt from a Story I have been writing.

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  • Excerpt from a Story I have been writing.

    A part from the story that I have been working on for some time now. Still in development stage with editing that needs to be done so please let us know what you think

    Note: New content now available: 1/12/17 FINAL. Along with this, revisions and fix ups have also been added, with more to come in the future.


    Last edited by Ragnar Hawke; 12-04-2017, 03:17 PM.
    Ally Code: 467-291-777

    'All things in this world are finite
    What one man gains, another has lost'
    'So let it be'

  • #2
    Very nice, I like it! And I appreciate your use of semicolons

    Something you're working on for NaNoWriMo? There have been a couple fiction writing forum contests in the past, and I hope to see another in the future!

    F2P
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    Welcome, Isseya!
    Catalog completed 12/18/17

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Flerm View Post
      Very nice, I like it! And I appreciate your use of semicolons

      Something you're working on for NaNoWriMo? There have been a couple fiction writing forum contests in the past, and I hope to see another in the future!
      Semicolons are our friends, and sometimes help us avoid a period/full stop if it's not really needed, like when the word "however;" shows up.
      Guild: Top F2P
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      • #4
        Originally posted by Flerm View Post
        Very nice, I like it! And I appreciate your use of semicolons

        Something you're working on for NaNoWriMo? There have been a couple fiction writing forum contests in the past, and I hope to see another in the future!
        Thank you I appreciate it, yeah it's been something from I've been working on for a while now but not for the National Novel Writing Month. Will look to add more in the time to come. There is also a backlog of earlier story which I need to rewrite, or at least fix up.

        Note: New parts that have been added on since release will be recognised by the first few words starting in colour.
        Last edited by Ragnar Hawke; 11-25-2017, 11:18 PM.
        Ally Code: 467-291-777

        'All things in this world are finite
        What one man gains, another has lost'
        'So let it be'

        Comment


        • #5
          Before anything else, your formatting is making it hard to read. I would advise separating paragraphs and dialogue with spacing. Yes, published fiction doesn't do that, but there new paragraphs often have the first line line moved closer to the center of the page as a visual cue.

          Compare this:

          Bob walked into the room and turned on the TV.
          "What's on tonight?"
          Nothing interesting, apparently.
          To this:

          Bob walked into the room and turned on the TV.

          "What's on tonight?"

          Nothing interesting, apparently.
          EDIT: I don't know why the text editor keeps inserting additional quotes.

          Spacing just makes it easier to read in a forum format.

          Another thing: if you’re asking for critique, providing some context on the excerpt is helpful. On to your text.

          “Gareth!” Ariel cried


          Full stop is missing at the end of the sentence.

          “What now…” Gareth replied “Not another Nug” he added. It had been far too treacherous to take the alternate route but as it turned out, this one fared no better.


          There should be a full stop after “replied”. And you don’t need “he added”. It’s clear from the context who is speaking, which means that this speech tag serves no purpose other than to clutter up the text.

          “No, would you just look--below!” at her request


          I understand that “her” is Gareth’s companion, but the line should be in a new paragraph and capitalized.

          Where there is one he thought to himself, there is always more.


          Should be there are always more. And there’s a comma missing before “he thought”.

          As quickly as it had gone more came scrambling up with wretched sounds and evil chants until it blocked out all other noise, it were as if the darkness itself beckoned to them so loud was their cacophony.


          This is a nice bit of imagery, but you have comma missing after “them”.

          Ariel watched in horror as the Darkspawn raced up the Cliffside like black ants seeking out a food source, so savage was their fury.


          I don’t know if black ants are a good comparison for evoking terror. Maybe change it to something else, or play it up a bit.

          “The rope” he yelled “The damned rope is caught, I can’t get off this blasted thing!” desperation kicked in


          There should be a comma after “yelled” and “desperation” should be capitalized.

          heaviest arrow, knocked it and fired directly into the crack only inches from his face, [/SIZE]a fine shot[SIZE=14px] she noted.


          It’s nock, not knock. And Ariel’s thought should be a new sentence, with a comma after “shot”.

          the rope was as taught as a bow string


          It’s taut, not taught.

          “Forget the damned Shield!” she said “There is no time”, Gareth considered this


          Comma after “she said” and full stop after “time”.

          “Here your hand” Ariel motioned


          Comma after “hand”, right now it looks like “Ariel motioned” is a speech tag. You can’t motion dialogue.

          “My shield would have been very handy right about now” he said breathlessly as they jumped behind the largest boulder.
          “What a cruel twist of fate” he added, sweat dripping from his brow and stinging his eyes.
          “He added” is not necessary since it’s still the same character speaking, and this fragment should be a single paragraph for the same reason.

          Ariel stared daggers into his eyes, but then, and just then she saw a deepness in them, a sincerity which revealed of some greater loss, but she said not word. Now was not the time for such thoughts though, they had to move.


          “Depth”. Cut “of”. “Said nothing”, or “not a word”.

          Peering over the boulders they witnessed the mass of creatures that stood where they had just been not moments ago. They had lost all their fury and were now aimlessly wandering, searching even. It was as if someone had flicked a switch so docile they seemed now.


          Commas after “boulders” and “switch”. Flicking a switch sounds a bit anachronistic in the DA setting.

          “What in makers name


          What in the Maker’s name.

          15 strides


          Number looks ugly in prose. Just write “fifteen”.

          “Are you not going to tell me what you just did there” keeping quiet enough so as to not draw attention as they made their way towards the opening.


          There’s something missing in the bolded fragment, like you lost a speech tag. And there should be a comma at the end of the speech. “(...)did there,” she said, keeping quiet(...)

          After their narrow escape from the Darkspawn filled ravine, Gareth and Ariel were now starting to make good headway. They had passed through many a crossroad, and as they ventured further into the beyond, a thought suddenly occurred to them. They had actually found the DeepRoads, the old Dwarven highway now nothing but ruin. It was said they spanned all over Thedas, even rumours of such roads crossing into unknown lands, but for now it had been long overrun with Darkspawn filth with any attempt to reclaim them futile. The Wardens know this; any attempt would be suicide. The Dwarves tried long ago but to no avail, only fragments can be recovered now. Thaigs from old Kingdoms, and as Gareth and Ariel journeyed them, they became to understand the plight of the Dwarves. Corruption ruled this place now, the walls covered in lichen, the pillars now veiled behind layers of tainted filth. The beauty that was once the pride of the Dwarves was now like the ashes of a fire long since burned. The taint ruled this place now…there would be no other.


          This is a gigantic paragraph. Break it up.

          “Incredible, still standing after all this time, I think I believe what they mean by true Dwarven craftsmenship” letting curiosity get the upper hand she strode towards the base of the figure, tracing her fingers against the smoothness of the stone. After a moment Gareth had too joined her at the base of the statue


          You have a tendency to write run-on sentences, like the bolded one. They have their place, but be sparing with them. Also, full stop missing at the end of the speech.

          “Remnants of an age long since passed” he said in a solemn voice, “and forgotten sadly” he added


          Another completely unnecessary speech tag. Also, comma missing after “forgotten”.

          “How?” she wondered, feeling the smoothness of the cold stone upon her palm.
          “How can such history and tragedy be forgotten when it clearly stands here before us” she added
          These speech lines shouldn’t be in separate paragraphs and another redundant speech tag.

          sealing


          Ceiling.

          “You see, only when the Darkspawn rise upon the surface do they start to care and realise that horrors do exist, but once they’ve disappeared below the surface again and the archdemon is no more, to most, after some time, the Darkspawn become myth again…bedtime stories for young children. Much like the Grey Wardens” the last words said with some hint of frustration. “Little do many know of the happenings beneath? Of course we cannot always live in fear of such things. But for the Kings and queens, emperors and empresses, whomever, it must always be a concern, which sadly is not” he finished. Ariel could see the dark and saddened expression that washed over his face, no matter how much he tried to cover it up. She had never seen or heard him like this before and it troubled her greatly. Could it really be as bad as what he described? Do the people of Orlais, Ferelden, Tevinter even, not take the threat of Darkspawn seriously? A silence fell upon them, Gareth had moved on from the figure and was now studying the walls, while Ariel now looked upon these relics with a much renewed interest…and sorrow.


          Wall of text. Break it up.

          After some time, Gareth approached her with some news,
          “I may have found a way out of here” he motioned towards the glyphs that were set into the stone wall.
          There should be a full stop, not a comma, after “news”. And you’re missing a comma at the end of the speech, after “here”. Then “He motioned” should be capitalized. You’ve used “motioned” before. Maybe switch it up with “gestured”?

          Okay, I’m bored of pointing out typos now. Take what’s above and extrapolate it to the rest of the text. The gist is that you need to polish interpunction, cut down on run-on sentence structure, control your paragraphs, and refine wording. This is a decent rough draft, but it’s rough. I liked the atmosphere of the scene where they come upon the ruins and contemplate the statue. Good bit of welcome melancholy there.

          I can’t say anything about characterization or plotting because I have no context, but I will say that pacing in the battle at the ravine was good. You didn’t linger too much. Overdescription kills action sequences.

          The forum's text editor sucks. Hope you find this useful.
          Last edited by Zanir; 11-26-2017, 02:26 PM.
          Ally Code: 342-164-588
          Guild: Spirit Fingers

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Zanir View Post
            Before anything else, your formatting is making it hard to read. I would advise separating paragraphs and dialogue with spacing. Yes, published fiction doesn't do that, but there new paragraphs often have the first line line moved closer to the center of the page as a visual cue.
            Compare this:

            To this:

            Spacing just makes it easier to read in a forum format.
            Another thing: if you’re asking for critique, providing some context on the excerpt is helpful. On to your text.

            Full stop is missing at the end of the sentence.

            There should be a full stop after “replied”. And you don’t need “he added”. It’s clear from the context who is speaking, which means that this speech tag serves no purpose other than to clutter up the text.

            I understand that “her” is Gareth’s companion, but the line should be in a new paragraph and capitalized.

            Should be there are always more. And there’s a comma missing before “he thought”.

            This is a nice bit of imagery, but you have comma missing after “them”.

            I don’t know if black ants are a good comparison for evoking terror. Maybe change it to something else, or play it up a bit.

            There should be a comma after “yelled” and “desperation” should be capitalized.

            It’s nock, not knock. And Ariel’s thought should be a new sentence, with a comma after “shot”.

            It’s taut, not taught.

            Comma after “she said” and full stop after “time”.

            Comma after “hand”, right now it looks like “Ariel motioned” is a speech tag. You can’t motion dialogue.

            “He added” is not necessary since it’s still the same character speaking, and this fragment should be a single paragraph for the same reason.

            “Depth”. Cut “of”. “Said nothing”, or “not a word”.

            Commas after “boulders” and “switch”. Flicking a switch sounds a bit anachronistic in the DA setting.

            What in the Maker’s name.

            Number looks ugly in prose. Just write “fifteen”.

            There’s something missing in the bolded fragment, like you lost a speech tag. And there should be a comma at the end of the speech. “(...)did there,” she said, keeping quiet(...)

            This is a gigantic paragraph. Break it up.

            You have a tendency to write run-on sentences, like the bolded one. They have their place, but be sparing with them. Also, full stop missing at the end of the speech.

            Another completely unnecessary speech tag. Also, comma missing after “forgotten”.

            These speech lines shouldn’t be in separate paragraphs and another redundant speech tag.

            Ceiling.

            Wall of text. Break it up.

            There should be a full stop, not a comma, after “news”. And you’re missing a comma at the end of the speech, after “here”. Then “He motioned” should be capitalized. You’ve used “motioned” before. Maybe switch it up with “gestured”?
            Okay, I’m bored of pointing out typos now. Take what’s above and extrapolate it to the rest of the text. The gist is that you need to polish interpunction, cut down on run-on sentence structure, control your paragraphs, and refine wording. This is a decent rough draft, but it’s rough. I liked the atmosphere of the scene where they come upon the ruins and contemplate the statue. Good bit of welcome melancholy there.
            I can’t say anything about characterization or plotting because I have no context, but I will say that pacing in the battle at the ravine was good. You didn’t linger too much. Overdescription kills action sequences.
            Thank you Zanir, I know there is still quite a bit of fixing up to do grammar and punctuality wise so I appreciate what you have written here, it really helps me. As it is still in development with a lot of the early story needing to be edited before i can post more about the context of the situation and how they came to be here, along with the characters themselves.
            I'll do what I can to reveal some part of their background in coming sections as a lot was done in the early stages. I'll make adjustments for the forum format as I'm just typing in word and simply pasting it over so alterations will be made there. I appreciate the feedback! As with all writing, other peoples views and opinions are critical.
            Your contribution will be noted.
            Last edited by Ragnar Hawke; 11-27-2017, 01:11 AM.
            Ally Code: 467-291-777

            'All things in this world are finite
            What one man gains, another has lost'
            'So let it be'

            Comment


            • #7
              New Content now available: 1/12/17.
              Revisions also have been made, with many improvements and fix ups. More to come.
              Ally Code: 467-291-777

              'All things in this world are finite
              What one man gains, another has lost'
              'So let it be'

              Comment

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